“It’s NOT MACEY! It’s Jack!”
This week Macey is “Jack.” It is both entertaining and endlessly frustrating to remember to call her the right name while getting three (feels like four) kids out the door to school in the morning.
Yesterday, she told me, “I’m not Macey. Macey only comes in the afternoon, not the morning.” Okay then. And, to make things more confusing I am “Macey’s mom.” I have to say things like: “Jack, can you please tell Macey that Macey’s mom would like Jack to get on his boots and coat?”
Jack (aka Macey) also screams everytime Hudson refuses to call her Jack. I remind him that it’s much easier to enter her world than try to force her to be with us in our reality. It’s easier and quieter.
By the time I wave goodbye to Jack’s bus I’m thoroughly confused and also relieved. I still manage to giggle under my breath as I sigh away the chaos of the morning. Unique and quirky things/people and pure randomness make me pretty happy.
I’ve been thinking about happiness, contentment, and peace. And joy for things as they are and not as they will hopefully be one day.
I stumbled enthusiastically upon the idea that “today could be the day!” as a way to articulate how I feel in the morning, all alone, with my coffee, gearing up for whatever lies ahead. The early morning is where I grab hope and a good attitude.
Today could be the day … for good news, unexpected opportunity, fun, success, productivity, or the day I go down a pants size. You just never know! Especially during times where someone I love is “in the waiting” or things are particularly hard, I try to pump myself up with that sense of anticipation of what the day could hold – what good things may come.
BUT I think I need to find hope in the as-it-is-ness of myself and my life.
I don’t want all my joy and peace to come from the hope of possibility – the hope of a future better version of myself, my space, or my relationships.
What if today is not the day where things change, I finally get it together, the last few pounds are dropped, the passports are mailed, or I turn into the mom who makes homemade granola bars?
What if this is always me, my people, my home, my demons, my lists, my joys, my body, my burdens, and a storage room that is NEVER done? If nothing changes and this is “all” I get (to love, have, and be) will I be content? Could I be?
Could I be joyful and at peace without the hope of the future looking different?
There have been times in my life where the answer is tricky. You especially need hope for a different future when things are really hard. We need to believe the edges of grief from trauma and loss will soften a little in time. The idea that things will never be different when circumstances are very heavy is too much. But what makes the worst of times especially impossible is thrusting yourself into the future at all. In these seasons all that matters are the tiny steps of the day.
I’m after a calmness that comes from embracing all that exists, noting the blessings and pockets of ease that I do have, and not always living with the hope of better. I want to remember that the tiny steps of each day are precious. The tiny beauties. The tiny wins.
I want contentment in the now – not in the future version of everything. I critique life for all the ways it could improve (I critique myself and the people in my life – eek – I’m sorry people in my life) and I need my critical eye to see all the ways life already shines.
Here is to finding peace in the as-it-is-ness today. To the tiny steps, tiny beauties, and tiny wins.
Press on,
Cait
P.S. And some days you DO get exciting news, of course. I got news from my illustrator (you might forget that I’m publishing a second Marvellous Macey book because it was supposed to be published in September 2021) that the storyboard is complete. Not only is it complete, it is fabulous! My patience paid off and I hope the finished product will be in my hands very soon. And yours. Until then, here is a tiny sneak peek …
